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Monday, April 24, 2006]
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Today was a rainy day, ya all gloomy and sad. Not that it helped when I had to send a good friend off to the airport.
I guess my family is not very supportive of everything that I do so my good friends and church is my true family and home.
Sad but true.
Being the eldest and the most dependable one of all my siblings, I had to take on the entire weight of being the BEST and PERFECT one. Its really tiring me out trying to live up to their expectations. Guess that’s why I left home once and that did hurt a lot of people. My sis even said to me with teary eyes that she hates me for making my mom cry. I don’t feel good about that too…I just had to get out of that stifled environment! No I did not move out for my bf, I was just really unhappy at home. That’s all.
All my friends around me seem to have really perfect families. Two parents (I only have a mom), nice family Sundays and dinners together. I think I can count the number of hours I see my mom in a week (less than 10) and the number of words I say to her, which is really a tragedy. But I don’t blame anyone, coz she is really one inspiration MOM! She pulled herself out of depression after my dad passed away and even managed to support all 3 of us plus my 2 sets of grandparents. You gotta admire her for that! Even so I still wished that my life was more normal.
In friends I have found comfort, the ease to say anything I want regardless whether or not it was right. I can be myself and not put up a strong front. I can fall and not be reprimanded for being careless or stupid (yes my mom likes the word stupid a lot). I can be imperfect and they will still love me. Ditto for God. He loves me unconditionally. That’s why my ultimate love is GOD! Even though I had forsaken him when I was young and ignorant he still forgave me and accepted me in his kingdom.
You know how sometimes you hide your true feelings and stay strong for too long that you forget how to cry? I’m experiencing that now. Oh man…its hard to open my heart to God now, actually anyone, and I hope he can understand and grant me the strength to do so. I don’t want to be that cold hearted, cynical person I used to be! It’s just not me! I LOVE to look at the sky and dream of castles made of clouds and stars that shine their light so brilliantly that they illuminate your soul; But hardship always draws me further and further away from the beautiful nature of God’s creation and pull me back to the cold truth of reality. Pandora’s box may have unleashed multitudes of evil and bad-ness(ok not sure if such a word exists) to this world but have people forgotten about HOPE? It is the only thing that can divert people away from the cruelties of life!
I know I’m still hoping. Hoping that I do eventually become a doctor. Hoping that one day I will reconcile with my family. Hoping that my loved ones will not be taken away. Hoping that those that have left would meet me in Heaven. Hoping that there might be world peace eventually. Hoping that dolphin will live to see the day the Earth stops spinning. Hoping that no one will feel sorrow anymore.
Alright, better not make this a philosophy thesis. I just pray for the world to be a better place.
wished upon the wishing tree at 11:11 PM
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